The author of ‘Classic Tactics by Crap Football Teams’ is now delighted to bring you ‘Classic Tactics by Crap Peddlers (AKA Woo Merchants)’ a list of tactics employed by those peddling alternative medicine, creationism, astrology and other woo designed to lure the laymen and frustrate the sceptics;

1.      Attack the Source of the Information not the Information Itself.

This is more commonly known as an Ad Hominim attack. Rather than engage the opposition in an informed and measured debate the Crap Peddler will undermine the opposition with insults seemingly blind to the fact that even if these insults were true they still wouldn’t undermine the legitimacy of the counterargument only the individual making that argument. A current favourite insult being employed by homeopathic peddlers has been to call their detractors Nazis. Which brings me nicely on to our next tactic;

2.      Attempt to associate the legitimate scientific theory or research with an immoral ideology.

This is perhaps a reworking of our first tactic; failing to insult the individual Crap Peddlers will try to associate the information with something morally abhorrent. This is a favourite tactic of creationists who often try to associate Darwin’s theory of Evolution with Nazism. Once again even if this were true it would not undermine the theory itself. I’m sure Hitler believed in gravity it doesn’t suddenly make Newton wrong.

3.      I can’t hear you!

Better known as, not engaging with the evidence. When confronted with insurmountable evidence to the contrary a crap peddler clearly is left with no other choice other than to simply ignore that evidence and pretend it doesn’t exist. Perhaps the best example of this is the creationist’s argument that there are no transitional fossils despite the colossal amount of fossils sitting in museum exhibits around the world just waiting to be looked at.

4.      Barefaced Lying

You would think that this tactic was a bad one since someone is bound to find out that you are lying and call you up on it. Fortunately this is not a problem for your average Crap Peddler since they can easy revert to Tactic 3 should this situation arise.

5.      Won’t somebody please think of the children!

A slightly confusing title, but this is essentially the art of appealing to people’s emotions. An emotional anecdote can work wonders for the Crap Peddler when faced with cold hard facts. This particular tactic has been exploited brilliantly by Jenny McCarthy who has used her son’s plight as the foundation of her campaign against vaccines.

6.      The whole world is against us.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you knew you were in the wrong, things weren’t going your way and there was nothing you could do about it other than to say ‘It’s not fair’ to which the inevitable reply ‘Life’s not fair’ would come hurtling back at you. Well Crap Peddlers have their own version of ‘It’s not Fair’ where they will claim that there is some sort of conspiracy, that they are in the minority or that they are being silenced. Well they can dress it up how they like but every time I hear a Crap Peddler banging on about conspiracy I can’t help picture my Mum saying ‘Life’s not fair’, and it isn’t you know, she was right.

7.      Get ‘em young.

It is very easy to indoctrinate an individual into your particular brand of crap if that individual doesn’t have the information to make an informed decision for themselves. In order to increase their chances of not meeting stiff opposition in the face of blatant lies and crummy science Crap Peddlers will often target children before they have a chance to develop the critical thinking tools that will fend off such nonsense.

8.      Pluck those Cherries.

Perhaps misleadingly placed after Tactic 7. I am of course not talking about that sort of cherry picking. No I am referring to the art of highlighting the results that reflect positively on your particular brand of woo and ignoring the negative results. Although this is an amalgamation of Tactics 3 and 4 it is so specific that I felt it warranted a number of its own.  

9.      I know I am but so are you.

If you accuse the opposition of doing something that you yourself are doing it makes it very difficult for them to then accuse you of doing that very thing. You with me? For example if a Crap Peddler was to call you close minded it then makes it very difficult for you to accuse them of the very same thing lest you be reduced to the debating skills of a 5 year old.

10.  Smoking prevents the plague don’t you know? 

Crap Peddlers love to use the age of a treatment and its cultural origins as support of its efficacy. This can also spill over to the Crap Peddler themselves when they claim they have studied a treatment for years and have spent time in the far east. Imagine an ancient Chinese remedy being prepared by a ‘wise’ old sage, preferably with a long white wispy beard. Surely you can’t go wrong! Well turns out you can go wrong.

11.  Sue the bastards

Yeah this is kind of Tactic 1 but it takes a certain amount of gall to face criticism and instead of confronting the criticism running to the courts in hope that you will scare the opposition into withdrawing. I can only assume this tactic was dreamed up by a poker player as the ultimate bluff. Crap Peddlers be warned though, people like Simon Singh are setting precedent by calling the bluff so to speak and steps are being taken towards libel reform to make this tactic ill advised in the future.

Warning

Despite being aware of these rules this still does not put you in a position to argue with a Crap Peddler successfully. Remember the main advantage a Crap Peddler has over you is that they don’t care if they are talking bollocks. All the Crap Peddler needs to do is construct enough doubt in a neutral observer to make the observer think they are on a level pegging and the Crap Peddler has won. This is often why experienced sceptics like Richard Dawkins will avoid debates with creationists; engaging them gives them a platform from which to present their woo and if you attack a specific claim and win they make something else up you can’t refute instantly without due research. This does not mean Crap Peddlers should remain unchallenged just do so with caution. You have been warned.

This is not a comprehensive list but I think most arguments/tactics employed by Crap Peddlers can fit into one or more of these categories. Remember this is not a list of the arguments themselves as that would be endless, rather the general form of debating tactics that Crap Peddlers take. For example the irreducible complexity argument given by creationists uses Tactics 3 and 4. If you think there are any clear omissions or mistakes please add them in the comments and I will amend the list accordingly.